"He was everything many women wish they had. And still deep down inside, I could not see myself with him...
...so here's why I dumped "The NICE GUY"....
Well, he cheated....
....SIIIIIIIIKEEEE! Who gon cheat on all this boo? *twirls* hahaha
Okay, enough baiting you, let me just jump into my story and points! The last guy I was in a relationship was the first guy I ever introduced to my parents as my boyfriend. He was also the first guy whose parents I also met and engaged with many times. We EVEN got each other's parents Christmas gifts. Now some of you may be reading this and thinking "Really? Big Deal???" Well it was for me. See, the thing about me is...
I have NOT dated a lot of guys. I'm a late bloomer and I don't hit it off with a lot of people, imo, at least not in a romantic way. Sure, there are guys that express interest in me, but MOST TIMES the feeling isn't mutual. So, YES BIG DEAL FOR ME.
He was God fearing (like the type where I didn't have to force him to go to church) , a true gentlemen (the type that would send flowers on Tuesdays "just because"), smart, ambitious, soooo attentive ("Hello Gorgeous" texts every morning, inclusive of scripture verses and motivational quotes), kind and giving. He welcomed me into his family, his circle and his whole life without hesitation. He was everything many women wish they had.
And still deep down inside, I could not see myself with him. And here's why:
1. EVERY GOOD GUY IS NOT YOUR GUY
I think that sometimes, a lot of women (myself included) have had so many disappointing and terrible experiences involving men that when we finally meet a good one we act like a Bahamian that's finally come home after being sent halfway around the world to a remote place where chicken in da bag doesn't exist: EXCITED AS PHACK!
We've been starved for attention, kindness, male energy.We're exhausted with the bull caca and there he comes....Mr.Right. But, is he Mr. right for you? And in my case, it was a big fat no. Just because someone has a lot of the qualities you're looking for on paper does NOT mean they are the one for you. I thought about it this way:
I'm walking down Rodeo Drive (close your eyes and manifest with me) and I walk into the Christian Louboutin pumps that are absolutely gorgeous- they're stylish and of great quality and value, obviously. I instruct the sales associate that I'd like to try out the fire azz pumps in size ten (u know what they say about women with big feet ;) Oh u don't? Me either...) She returns and says that there's only a size 9 and a half. I'm like "Damn" but then I think, "This shoe is so beautiful maybe I should just try and see". BUT I'm NOT a 9 and a half, so I end up squeezing into it, making my feet (and the store associate) uncomfortable. Now, imagine if I just said "F it!I'm getting this Louboutin because I mean ,"It's a friggin Louboutin and It's so gorgeous and in this alternate manifested reality I can afford it" and I leave the store with it. Several things are likely to happen 1: Everytime I wear that shoe imma be super uncomfortable. Imma prolly get bunions! 2. There's a good chance I'll cause some damage to the shoe with my big ass foot! 3. There'll be someone out there who was supposed to get the last 9 and half but is now missing out because I decided to force what didn't fit. And I felt it was the same with this man. He was/is NOT a bad person. He didn't cheat. Never disrespected me. HE WAS A NICE GUY...just not mine. Not that one that was designed or destined to fit me perfectly.
2. WE MET ONLINE
I feel it's safe to say this is a fairly common thing these days, from sliding in people's DMs (which is how we met---not an invitation for any weirdos out there though), to online dating, to apps like Tinder; social media is a big part of how our generation connects, and dating is no exception. BUTTTTTT the problem with this can be that 1. A lot of people have curated picture perfect images of themselves on profiles so you never know what ur getting into. Although, one could argue it's the same when you meet a person out in real life for the first time.Fair enough, but I'd have to say that this relationship's failure taught me that IN PERSON CHEMISTRY and ATTRACTION is super important to me. Liking someone via a profile and WhatsApp messages cannot compare (for me) to meeting someone in real life and feeling them out. In my case, we spent a few months talking via text before we EVER saw each other in person and if I'm being totally honest, in retrospect that chemistry in person or attraction was never truly there for me. That spark. That IT feeling. That "I can't breath in a good way" feeling. And I repressed and buried this thought for so long because I felt guilty and I felt I was thinking about it too hard or being unrealistic or that I was being shallow. But what I learned is that 1. Needed a great sense of physical attraction or being into a certain body type or look doesn't make you shallow! I mean at the end of the day, no matter how woke we are, humans are still animals and that primal need to wanna be with someone who makes you wanna jump their bones every time you see them is important! You can't hump someone's soul! Wait...too much? 2. FOR ME I'm not the kind that will GROW into having chemistry with someone. It's either there or it's not. And lying to myself just hurts the other person and myself in the long run. Which leads me to my next point....
3. I never fully felt like myself around him This is kind of weird for me to type out loud because everyone who knows me well,will say I'm pretty outgoing and fierce when it comes to expressing myself and just being my true authentic self. However, in certain regards, I felt as though I had to shrink myself or dial down my personality around him and even his family sometimes. Listen, I'm loud, I talk a lot, I'm spontaneous and sporadic. And no, I don't wanna date a clone of myself. But I do want to be with someone who is compatible with my brand of crazy. And no, not the "we fight every friggin' day to make up to break" up type crazy. I ain't into that ish. I genuinely like when a man is nice to me. So, I don't need all the nice men out there accusing me of liking bad treatment. For instance, I noticed very early on that our car rides were ALWAYS SILENT. And this drove me insane! Like to the point of wanting to tear my own arm off then beat myself unconscious and then wake up during a time where agent orange isn't the leader of the free world *breathes* And I would start to feel guilty about the fact that fun casual communication was important to me and not to him and then, I got kind of resentful and admittedly mean towards him ( I called him boring several times) which in retrospect I feel like I was kinda harsh. I should have looked at our differences and figure out for myself if certain "needs" of mine and his were non negotiable, instead of 1. trying to change him 2. letting it drag on for so long when I knew early on it wasn't working for me.
4. The LITTLE things were BIG deal breakers
I will never regret this relationship because as cheesy as it sounds, I really did learn a lot about myself: what I need or like from a man and a relationship. I didn't realize certain things (superficial and "deep") like my need for communication, flexibility, a partner who's into fitness, a partner who makes me laugh and space were so important to me. And now I know.
We dated for over a year. Looking back, I may have realized 3 months in that I wasn't really in it. There was a lot of back and forth between both of us. On my part, I felt really guilty about the idea of going our separate ways: He was THEE Nicest guys of all nice guys. He's the type of guy parents want their daughters to go out with. And who was I to dismiss him? Me? With all my moody imperfect quirks. And what if breaking up with him doomed me to be trapped in an endless cycle of F*ckboy after F*ckboy?! And how ungrateful would I be considering soooo many women complain about getting cheated on and wanting nice guys! Right?!
It would be wrong to allow myself and someone else to waste valuable time that could be spent on all sorts of thangs: personal development, learning how to make lasagna or maybe even meeting other people. It's wrong to try to conceal your needs out of fear of not finding another good guy. Ultimately you deserve to find someone who's nice but also a compatible match that sets your soul (and loins :P) on fire. And nice guys around the world deserve the same. WHAT DO YOU THINK? LEAVE A COMMENT AND SHARE! xo
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